Adult Truths (22)

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1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time
22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

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National Chili Day

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By Diane Forrest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

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Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3):

Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit- faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Contest Over

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I love that story, and having spent time in Texas, I know they believe in the Hotter the Better theory.  Speaking of hot, it seems odd that National Chili Day would be celebrated in July, one of the hottest months of the year, but I guess they think that you can fight fire with fire.  I fix chili often; in fact I have a pot fixed now.  It’s quick and easy to make, and it will last me for a week.  I use a simple recipe, starting with a pack of McCormick’s mild chili season.   I follow the recipe on the back, using one pound of ground beef, cooked, 2 8 oz cans of tomato sauce, 1 large can of diced tomatoes, and 1 can of kidney beans.  After I mix it all together and let it simmer for a bit, I spoon it over a bed of rice that I have topped with a slice of American cheese, then I put a dollup of sour cream on top.  I sprinkle some shredded cheese and Fritos on top and have a delicious meal.

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Today is National Chili Day, why not fix up a pot of your favorite recipe and have a hot delicious treat...just don't make it too hot!

Hospitality House Week

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By Diane Forrest

This past fall, a friend of mine's son was deathly ill, he was in ICU at a hospital away from home for nearly a month.  The doctors still do not know what was wrong with him, there was some speculation about West Nile Virus, but it was never diagnosed. His wife and my friend spent every day at the hospital, in the ICU waiting room praying for his recovery. My friend doesn't drive in the big city, and so she didn't have her car there.  The cost of eating out every day would have been terribly expensive, but they were fortunate enough to have local volunteers who delivered food to the waiting room daily to provide them a hot lunch and afternoon snacks.  That small act of kindness and generosity meant so much to her and her family during their time of need, and she hasn't forgotten it.

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This week is Hospitality House Week.  There are some larger cities that have an actual house where people with similar needs can stay for a night or too while waiting on word from a recovering family member.  There are also several Ronald McDonald houses that also provide these services. Thousands of families and patients of all ages and walks of life have found a haven within the warm home-like environments provided by our neighboring hospitality houses. Ronald McDonald House serves seriously ill children up to the age of 17, together with their families. SECU Family House provides lodging and support to seriously ill patients 18 and above. Across the country, homes that help and heal have become community assets, adding significant value to the medical centers and rehabilitation facilities whose patients and families they serve.

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If you have been fortunate to receive these services, and would like to contribute to the continued success, visit this site http://www.nahhh.org/ , if your community doesn't have such resources, why not start your own.  Check with your local hospital and find out what their needs are.  If there are families there watching over a sick loved one, offer to make some sandwiches or bake cookies, or provide a bag of apples.  One small act of kindness during a crisis is a huge blessing for everyone involved.

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Hot Enough For Ya Day

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By Terry Orr

Did you know July 23 is Hot Enough For Ya Day? Well, it is.  Hot Enough For Ya Day is observed annually on July 23. "When it's just too hot to think of anything intelligent to say about the weather (or anything else for that matter), on July 23 you can quip, 'Is it hot enough for ya yet?'"

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So far, the summer of 2012 has been a scorcher for most of the U.S., following hot on the heels of a much warmer than usual winter.

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National Hot Dog Day

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By Terry Orr

Get Your Red Hots!

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Hot Dogs! At your favorite sporting event.

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With ketchup, mustard, onions, or relish, no one would argue that hot dogs are truly delicious! Hot dogs are a timeless American tradition and a favorite food to eat at baseball games and cookouts.

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Other common names for hot dogs are frankfurters, franks, wieners and dogs. They are also often the subject of food-eating competitions across the globe. In fact, did you know that the world’s largest hot dog was 1,996 feet long? It was created by Sara Lee Corporation in honor of the 1996 Olympics.

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Homemade Hot Dog Pickle Relish

1 1/2 cups vinegar

1 teaspoon mustard seeds

1 teaspoon coriander seeds

3 tablespoons brown sugar

8 large dill pickles, diced

1 small cooked red pepper, diced

1 small cooked yellow pepper, diced

1 small onion, diced

2 tablespoons chopped dill

Salt and pepper to taste

In a medium saucepan, add vinegar, mustard seeds, and coriander seeds and bring to a slow boil.

Cook until slightly thickened. Remove from heat and add the remaining ingredients, and stir until blended. Cover and refrigerate for several hours to cool before serving.

Top 25 Hot Dogs

Chicago Dogs

Vidalia Dogs

Low-Country Dogs

Corn Dogs

Taco dogs

Bruschetta Dogs

Chimichanga Dogs

New York Street Dogs

Pekingese Dogs

Chili Cheese Dogs

Bacon-Wrapped Splitters

BBQ Dogs

Frito Dogs

Hog-Tied Cheese Dogs

California Dogs

Pizza Dogs

Po’ Boy Dogs

French Poodles

Jerk Chicken Dogs

Hot Diggity Dogs

Sausage-and-Pepper Dogs

Cuban Dogs

Philly Dogs

Chili Dog

Grilled Dog

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Car Seats

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By Terry Orr

According to Parents Central (http://www.safercar.gov/parents/CarSeats.htm) - Car crashes are the number one killer of children 1 to 12 years old in the United States. The best way to protect them in the car is to put them in the right seat, at the right time, and use it the right way.

There are so many car seat types and models, how do you know which one is right for your child? The right car seat or booster fits your child and your car, and is one you will use correctly every time you travel. Not only will your child ride as safely as possible, you will be establishing the foundation for a lifelong habit of seat belt use every time your child travels.

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Recommendations:

• Select a car seat based on your child’s age and size, and choose a seat that fits in your vehicle and use it every time.
• Always refer to your specific car seat manufacturer’s instructions; read the vehicle owner’s manual on how to install the car seat using the seat belt or LATCH system; and check height and weight limits.
• To maximize safety, keep your child in the car seat for as long as possible, as long as the child fits within the manufacturer’s height and weight requirements.
• Keep your child in the back seat at least through age 12.

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Birth - 12 months

• Your child under age 1 should always ride in a rear-facing car seat.
• There are different types of rear-facing car seats: Infant-only seats can only be used rear-facing. Convertible and 3-in-1 car seats typically have higher height and weight limits for the rear-facing position, allowing you to keep your child rear-facing for a longer period of time.

1 - 3 years

• Keep your child rear-facing as long as possible. It’s the best way to keep him or her safe. Your child should remain in a rear-facing car seat until he or she reaches the top height or weight limit allowed by your car seat’s manufacturer. Once your child outgrows the rear-facing car seat, your child is ready to travel in a forward-facing car seat with a harness.

4 - 7 years

• Keep your child in a forward-facing car seat with a harness until he or she reaches the top height or weight limit allowed by your car seat’s manufacturer. Once your child outgrows the forward-facing car seat with a harness, it’s time to travel in a booster seat, but still in the back seat.

8 - 12 years

• Keep your child in a booster seat until he or she is big enough to fit in a seat belt properly. For a seat belt to fit properly the lap belt must lie snugly across the upper thighs, not the stomach. The shoulder belt should lie snug across the shoulder and chest and not cross the neck or face. Remember: your child should still ride in the back seat because it’s safer there.

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Links:

• http://kidshealth.org/parent/firstaid_safe/outdoor/auto_baby_toddler.html
• http://www.nhtsa.gov/Safety/CPS/
• http://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/on-the-go/Pages/Car-Safety-Seats-Information-for-Families.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token
• http://www.safekids.org/safety-basics/safety-resources-by-risk-area/car-seats-boosters-seat-belts-/
• http://www.safekids.org/safety-basics/safety-resources-by-risk-area/car-seats-boosters-seat-belts-/car-seat-safety-tips.html

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National Picnic Month

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By Diane Forrest

When I was younger I used to love to read the Nancy Drew books.  Not only were they full of mystery and intrigue, but Carolyn Keene, the author, would write the most marvelous descriptions of food I ever read.  She would describe a picnic basket that Nancy's housekeeper, Hannah Gruen, would pack for her, including fried chicken, potato salad, chocolate layer cake with thick icing, and a thermos of ice cold lemonade that would just make my mouth water.  I guess I always thought that having a delicious picnic would help me solve a mystery or crime.

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As I got older, I used to dream of having a wonderfully romantic picnic beside a stream, sitting on a red checkered blanket under an old oak tree, with my guy laying his head on my lap as I read romantic poetry to him until he drifted off to sleep.  Sadly, I never solved a crime, or had that romantic lunch by the stream, but there are many other types of picnics you can experience.

A picnic can be defined simply as a pleasure excursion at which a meal is eaten outdoors, ideally taking place in a beautiful landscape. Picnics are often family-oriented but can also be an intimate occasion between two people, or a large get-together, company picnics and church picnics. On romantic and family picnics a picnic basket and a blanket are usually brought along. Outdoor games or some other form of entertainment are common at large picnics. Formerly, picnic meant a potluck, an entertainment at which each person contributed some dish to a common table for all to share.

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Picnics are extremely popular all throughout the spring summer and fall but during the month of July you see picnics everywhere and I do mean everywhere! One of the reasons why picnics are so popular in July is because a large number of families take their vacations in July and spend much of their time outdoors enjoying the warm weather and having picnics out of a basket or having outside picnics while grilling BBQ on the grill.

Every summer when I was growing up, our usual family vacation consisted of traveling across the state of Mississippi to visit my grandparents.  My mother would pack a ice chest with some sandwiches and cold drinks and along the way we would stop at a roadside park and have our lunch.  I don’t know what it is that makes pulling out a sandwich and eating it on the side of the road that makes it tastes so much better, but those were the best bologna sandwiches ever.

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July is National Picnic Month, you still have plenty of time to pack a sandwich in a bag and sit on a park bench, or plan a romantic outing with a picnic basket filled with wine, fruit and cheese, or even a family day out with some fishing poles, a grill and some hot dogs.  It doesnt matter what you have, or where you go, the important thing is the memories you make that will last a lifetime.