By Terry Orr
(Thanks for the email Toni)
As
we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed
up now and have little chance of recovery.
I
can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria
on the lemon peel.
I
can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I
have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number
one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many
gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I
can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public toilet.
I
must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.
ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I
can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice with my kidneys gone.
I
can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I
can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on
a hot day.
Thanks
to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because
of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.
I no
longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial
killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no
longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types
of cancer.
And
thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no
longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS when I sit down.
I no
longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me..
And
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and
Uzbekistan ..
Thanks
to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be
lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And
thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car
park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me
as I bend over.
I
can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider
and my hand will fall off.
If
you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
best friend's beautician!
Oh,
and by the way...
A
German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on
the mouse
Don't
bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.
S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY and a MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO!
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