Bloopers

By Terry Orr 

(Sharing email - Thanks Diane)

Church bulletin bloopers...

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Happy Birthday Neil Armstrong 

National Underwear Day 

National Oyster Day 

Holy Humor

By Diane Forrest

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a time and place for everything.  Verse 4 states:  A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.   I can't recall any jokes or funny stories from the Bible, well there was a young man who had been listening to Paul preaching for hours..he fell asleep, then fell out of a 3 story window.   I think about that when I'm in church, and I sit on the bottom floor, not the balcony.  In fact, my Preacher used this story in his sermon a few weeks ago, entitled, Wake Up!  As any good speaker will tell you, start with a joke to break the ice. Its one of the things I like about my pastor, his ability to start with a joke or funny story, that makes me pay more attention to the more important stuff he talks about.  

I don't think these kinds of jokes are considered blasphemy or being irreverent.  We were blessed with a sense of humor, and many funny people on this earth to deliver the jokes and amusing stories. March is Holy Humor and Humorists are Artist month.  Take some time this month to relax, laugh and don't be so serious.  After all, God had a sense of humor too, just look at some of His creations such as the duckbill platypus, giraffe or three toed sloth.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God

created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they

told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying

down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy

father and thy mother,' she asked,

'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

'Thou shall not kill..'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why

Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad

scribbles a few words on piece of paper,he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad

scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' 

 A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped

on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running

again!

As she ran she once again began to pray,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please

don't shove me either!' 

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school

after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about

all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how

Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad..'

“What would I do?"

[A nice email to share]

This story will touch your heart and will make you think, "What would I do?"

His name is Tim. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.

He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.

Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it..

One day Tim decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Tim starts down the aisle looking for a seat.

The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.

Tim gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.

By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.

About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Tim.

Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.

How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?

It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.

The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.

And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Tim and worships with him so he won't be alone.

Everyone chokes up with emotion...

When the minister gains control, he says, 'What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget.'

'Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!'

I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today; To guide you and protect you as you go along your way....His love is always with you, His promises are true: And when we give Him all our cares, you know He will see us through.

Only if you feel led to, pass this to people you want God to Bless...

I DID!

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!

National Poinsettia Day

(Google Image) 

By Diane Forrest

My grandmother had a green thumb...she could keep a poinsettia alive for months, just by dropping an ice cube in the pot each day.  She kept this plant alive so long, my mother grew so tired of it, because it was Christmas again, and she wanted to replace it with another one.  Every year on the first Sunday in December, I walk into the church to find it filled with beautiful Poinsettias.  We can contribute money and have a plant placed in the church in memory, or in honor of a loved one.  That way, the church is overflowing with the flowers, and then after the last Sunday of the month, we are allowed to take the plants we donated and bring them home, or do with as we wish.  I normally take them to the nursing home, or invalid neighbors.

(Google Image) 

Today is National Poinsettia Day, below is a story about how the Poinsettia came to be a symbol of Christmas.  Celebrate this day by going to a florist, or Wal-Mart, and picking up a plant to decorate your home, or brighten someone else's day

(Google Image) 

'The Legend of the Poinsettia'

Maria and Pablo lived in a tiny village in Mexico. Because Christmastime at their house did not include many gifts, Maria and Pablo looked forward to the Christmas festivities at the village church with great joy and anticipation.

To honor the birth of Christ, the church displayed a beautiful manger that drew crowds of admirers. Villagers walked miles to admire the manger, bringing lovely, expensive gifts for the Baby Jesus. As Maria and Pablo watched the villagers place their gifts in the soft hay around the manger, they felt sad. They had no money to buy gifts for their family and no money to buy a gift for the Baby Jesus.

One Christmas Eve, Maria and Pablo walked to the church for that evening's services, wishing desperately that they had a gift to bring. Just then, a soft glowing light shone through the darkness, and the shadowy outline of an angel appeared above them.

Maria and Pablo were afraid, but the angel comforted them, instructing them to pick some of the short green weeds that were growing by the road. They should bring the plants to the church, the angel explained, and place them near the manger as their gift to the Baby Jesus. Then just as quickly as she had appeared, the angel was gone, leaving Maria and Pablo on the road looking up into the dark sky. Confused but excited, the children filled their arms with large bunches of the green weeds and hurried to the church.

When the children entered the church, many of the villagers turned to stare. As Maria and Pablo began placing the weeds around the manger, some of the villagers laughed at them. "Why are those children putting weeds by the manger?" they asked each other. Maria and Pablo began to feel embarrassed and ashamed of their gift to the Baby Jesus, but they stood bravely near the manger, placing the plants on the soft hay, as the angel had instructed.

Suddenly, the dull green leaves on the tops of the plants began to turn a beautiful shade of red, surrounding the Baby with beautiful blooms. The laughing villagers became silent as they watched the green plants transform into the lovely star-shaped crimson flowers we call poinsettias. As they watched the weeds bloom before their eyes, Maria and Pablo knew they had no reason to be ashamed anymore. They had given the Baby Jesus the only gift they could--and it was the most beautiful gift of all.

(Google Image)