Recently received email to share
Shown below, is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am
writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month.
By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are
to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From
now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be
aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.
Please
find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete.
I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.
As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me
level the playing field even further.
When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY
AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To
make an appointment to see me
#2. To
query a missing payment.
#3. To
transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To
transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To
transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To
leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password
will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.
#8. To
return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To
make a general complaint or inquiry.
The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10.
This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call.
Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your
Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to piss us off.
