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| Charles Darwin (Google Image) |
By Terry Orr
The Darwin Awards are
a tongue-in-cheek honor, originating in Usenet newsgroup discussions circa
1985. They recognize individuals who have contributed to human evolution by
self-selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization due
to their own (unnecessarily foolish) actions. The project became more
formalized with the creation of a website in 1993, and followed up by a series
of books starting in 2000, authored by Wendy Northcutt. The criterion for the
awards states, "In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards
commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate
sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an
extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of
long-term survival." [Source: Wikipedia]
Now folks who know me are aware of my sense
of humor can be a bit warped from time to time, especially when it comes to the
Darwin Awards.
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Top 10: Regrettable & Best
Darwin Awards
10. Taming the Beast
It
was reported that in Australia in 1989 a Kung-Fu student tried to take on a
lion at the Melbourne zoo in one on one, man to cat combat. As the confirmed,
though highly unbelievable story goes, during his martial arts class the
instructor commented on how well the class was doing and how they were “ready
to take on wild animals.” How this could be taken literally is still a question
for debate. However one young gentleman decided to try his hand at lion
fighting. The irony that his hands were the only things left when the lions
were finished with him should be noted.
9. Drowning at Home
You are locked out of your house so the
normal thing to do wouldn’t be to check you front pockets for the keys. Oh no,
you should climb through the kitchen window. If you happen to be too large for
the window, flail around until the hot water is turned on. Now, if the sink is
filling up with hot water and your head is actually in the sink, apparently,
the thing to do is not to pull the plug or turn off the water, the proper
course of action is give up and drown. Apparently that’s how they did it on 26
May 2004 in Wolfsberg, Austria. This works fine for the gene pool.
8. Lava Lamp Looney
In 2004 in Washington State, US a man named
Philip was settling in to enjoy his brand new lava lamp. I’ll bet you think you
know where this is going, but trust me, I doubt it.
While waiting for the lamp to heat up, our
Philip became impatient. Paying little heed to the laws of physics, our Darwin
Einstein put the glass part of the lamp onto a stove top to heat it faster. The
result was no doubt spectacular, right up to the point where the lamp top
exploded sending a large shard directly into our genius’ chest. At this point
there was just one option open stumble into the bedroom and bleed out.
7. Flying High
In 1996 the good people of the Canadian town
of Chilliwack were awakened by a low flying, civilian aircraft. The plane,
flying rather erratically was piloted by two locals known for their drunken
exploits. Alcohol will make a small man think he’s large and bring about more self-esteem
than what is warranted in most that drink it, these guys take the cake.
Having gone on an all night bender and
apparently fearing to drive home drunk, these two wizards stole a small single
engine plane and took it for a joyride. They nearly made it back down too.
Unfortunately their tail clipped some power lines and they did their best lawn
dart impression and thankfully, died.
6. BZZZZzzt
Belize 2006: 26 year old Kennon was attempting
to replicate Ben Franklin’s famous kite flying experiment. Presumably, this was
an attempt to prove or disprove Franklin’s findings. What young Kennon should
have done was not used copper wire as a kite string. The kite sailed high and
the string just barely touched a high voltage power line that sent 3
b-izzzzzzzzzzzzzz(heh get it?)illion watts into the young man killing him
instantly. Here’s some irony, he was unable to go to his electrician’s job the
next day on account of being dead.
5. Heated Debate
In 2005 young master Nguyen found an
unexploded and rusted detonator laying around and decided it was neat enough to
bring to home for show and tell. After a night of drinking in Hanoi he pulled
out his prize collection and explained how safe it was. An argument between
Nguyen and his friends resulted in the young man losing his head- well, most of
it.
The 21 year old had someone plug both of the
dangling wires into a 220 watt light socket which ignited the detonator that
was in his mouth sending one half of his jaw east and the other west. This not
only left his friends to grieve their loss, but immediately negated any bets
Nguyen might have placed on the detonator being unable to work.
4. Cheapskate Removed from Gene Pool
In 2002 while trying to save money on
fireworks a man came up with what he thought was a frugal solution. Having a
hand grenade laying around, much like many of us do, the gentleman decided to
use the explosive material inside the grenade to manufacture some homemade
bottle rockets and Roman candles.
Lacking so much as a screwdriver apparently,
the man when for the next most delicate tool: a chainsaw. The results were
obvious. Had the man waited until nightfall to attempt to open a hand grenade
with a chainsaw, the need for fireworks could have been filled.
3. What are they teaching our kids?
In 2008 while driving home from (and the
irony doesn’t escape me) a memorial service, a Bulgarian biology teacher and
the two people riding in her car suddenly and inexplicably stopped in the road
and leapt from the vehicle.
Apparently the teacher has some potentially
noxious chemicals in her car and lacking a chemical sink and any semblance of
good sense, began pouring them down the drain in the manhole cover. The
resulting chemical reaction was an explosion so powerful the manhole cover flew
straight up and decapitated the teacher.
Quizzes were postponed until Tuesday.
2. Loving Someone to Death
South Carolina in 2007: a young couple was
found on the side of the road naked and dead. Police were baffled as to how
they died exactly until while searching a nearby building they found clothes on
the slanted roof near where the bodies were found.
In a sexual act where “safe sex” should have
meant pitons and a safety line, these two love birds found out quick they could
not fly and plummeted to their death.
1. Know Your Game!
A nineteen year old man in Houston, Texas
found out how to play Russian Roulette the hard way in 2000. Removing all but
one bullet from his clip, the young man cocked the gun and proceeded to take
the first turn.
It should have been explained to young
Rashaad that semiautomatic pistols are not like revolvers in that if there is
one bullet in the clip or more, it will fire. The result was what was expected.
What’s still unknown is if his friends had this information or if Rashaad was
so disliked they did not feel the need to share it with him. Either way, his
opponent won
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