Tuesday, July 23, 2013

OLD JOKES



By Diane Forrest

I am very bad at telling jokes – make reason is because I can't remember them.  Every now and then I will hear a joke and rush over to tell my daddy before I forget it. I will work so hard to remember it – go through the whole thing – then he will blurt out the punch line!!!  That really aggravates me!  Here is a joke a friend told me the other day.



There were these three women, a blonde, red hair and brunette.  They die and have gone to Heaven.  St. Peter meets them at the pearly gate and tells them before they can enter Heaven; they have to climb the 100 steps.  On each step there is a joke written there.  They must climb all the way without laughing.

The red headed woman was the first to start.  She reached the 47th step before busting out laughing.

The brunette tried next.  She made it to the 63rd step and was denied entrance into Heaven.

Finally it was the blonde's turn.  She made it all the way to the 99th step before laughing.

Disappointed St. Peter said you were so close, one more step and you would have made it into Heaven, how were you able to keep from laughing all the way?

She replied, well I just got the first joke!!



My friend told me this because I am blonde, and he thinks I don't ever get the jokes he tells.  But when I told my father, he yelled out the punch line! I was so upset I sent my son a text to tell him that was the second time in a week he had done that.  My son answered. That’s cause you tell old jokes!

Well today is the day to tell old jokes.... here are a few I have found. The first is one of my favorites. So today on Tell an Old Joke Day, tell us some of your favorite old jokes in the comment section below.


A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.



Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

Milton, the first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

Marvin, the second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

Michael, the third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Melvin, the fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture; just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"



"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

[Photos from Google]

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